I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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