I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
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