You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
