Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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