I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
