3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
