please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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