You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dignity is for republicans.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
