Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
