You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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