....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
