I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
