i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
