So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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