I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
