I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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