then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
