my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
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