I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
