Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
