If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
