Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
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