Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
