Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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