I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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