Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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