I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
