I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
