did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
