why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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