I cut my penus on the lid.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
