She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
