that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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