I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
