you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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