I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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