we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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