dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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