my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
