porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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