Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I love you. Go after that dick
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