I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
