Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
