i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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