I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
