Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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