I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
