if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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