You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
