jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
