I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
